Hospice...Cancer

Life is more preciouses then most of us thinking. One this I have notice past these couple of months...weeks...even days is life is to short. I know when people say it is different when you are actually going through a process of death. Waiting all the way to the end. Waiting to just see if you take that last breath in front of me. Will I do CPR right when the time has come? Will they come in time? Will you pull through to only lay  back in bed waiting to die again? So many unsure questions, especially the last one that makes life unknown for me. 

   Sipping on my cherry hard lemonade that will ease the pain I'm feeling to Cheetos right next to me with a payday and a Twix candy bars. 

    Waiting for someone to die with cancer while on hospice is the most  exhausting moments of my life. I'm going and going on less fuel everyday trying to make sure I'm available for every part of my life to where I had to stop the online dating and making friends. To looking for a job that I can actually keep just for a little bit as I finish my online course which I'm hoping I finish before the end of the summer when it is over. I sure don't want to pay for the class again just to finish . 

  Life has taken me somewhere that is unknown. That is the total oppisite of me. I like to plan somewhat if my life. Taking leaps is not for me but I have found myself having to.

   In hospice you will find yourself as a CNA to a professional in medications to coloscopy specialist. 

  Of course your mind can take so much but you keep on going. Pushing that limit until you just break. You calm yourself to cry as you prep to do the coloscopy bag again as the bag busted open to where poop is everywhere. Cleaning and cleaving while you struggle to stay awake wanting to do your school work. falling behind is jus another you have to worry about.

  So much on your plate to being a full-time caregiver to a love one to a part-time  worker and then a full-time mothers that you found yourself losing sleep.

   Trying to make sure you are present for everything things that you forget about the little things. 

   So, I say...caner sucks. No matter what kind you get. Then, hospice sucks because people can be on hospice for years until it's time. Either way, be prepared for your life to change as I did and am going through.

  Don't know how much time I have left with her but all I know, it's hard if this the end. They need you all the way to the end and you will cry.